Pressing pause


Hattie is six months old! How did that happen? Funnily enough though, I struggle to imagine life when she wasn't here. She has seemlessly slipped into our family and completes us perfectly. She brings immense joy to our gorgeous boys and immeasurable happiness (and relief) to Chris and I.

Recently however, I can't help but feel some degree of sadness. As my beautiful baby girl grows, she becomes less of a newborn. As she changes, she is developing more of an independent personality - she giggles, smiles, cries when I leave the room, clutches my top when I feed her. Why is this sad, I hear you ask? Time is drawing on and she continues her incessant march towards toddlerhood. She is the last baby I am likely to have and that, for me, brings mixed emotions. 

I lament those early moments, those times when I kissed her tiny, sleeping eyelids. The times when she opened her eyes to look in a daze around her, the times when she kept her teeny fists tightly shut. Every precious moment is etched on my brain. I need no one to remind me to savour each moment - I do and I have. 

Just as I see Hattie altering each day, so too are my amazing sons. Yes, they drive me stark raving bonkers some days but they too are growing at an alarming rate. They are both developing strong personality traits. Sometimes they are cheeky, even naughty but they are both delightfully loving and their tenderness towards their baby sister reassures me that they are going to be just fine! I love them both until my heart aches and hope they always need me, for I will be their unwavering champion as long as I live!

On the flip side of my sadness, is the wonder of watching my children grow up. Each stage brings magical moments....times when they have me howling with laughter, times when I feel drunk with love for all three of them (times when they drive me round the twist and leave me in an exhausted spin!!). That moment when your seven year old (whilst drifting off to sleep) asks if lobsters are underwater scorpions, that moment when your five year old tells you you are beautiful and he loves you, that moment when your baby beams at you when she opens her eyes. Amazing!

I pray for those moments to continue. I pray that my babies find happiness in the simple things that childhood brings - playing in the garden, flying a kite, camping in the outdoors, digging a hole at the beach. I also pray that time doesn't fly too fast and I am eternally thankful for every day I get to witness my children exploring the world.

I think about the tragic, senseless death of mother and politician Jo Cox. Her children will continue to grow without their mummy. Jo can no longer witness each milestone they reach - that gift has been ripped from her in the most horrific way. She will never delight in their achievements again, she can no longer enjoy the day to day beauty that motherhood brings. So, I am going to honour her in my own tiny way, by continuing to love my children with great ferocity and by delighting in the every day. Although I may wish to press pause to stop them growing so fast, I must remember that I am here to witness it and that my children still have the steadfast love of their mother. I am so very, very lucky.  

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